enbee's entries (a beeminder journal)

first things first: a few things that i think you should know about me before committing/continuing to read on:

  • my strengths are not: being concise, getting a point accross quickly, organising & structuring my thoughts in a way that makes the most ideal, perfect, & logical sense for other people (or even myself, sometimes :P).

  • my strengths are more like: writing (very! [very]) long & maybe super convoluted posts & stream-of-consciousness-y rambles.

  • english is not my native language. while i like to think that i have an excellent grasp on it, i probably don’t get all the nuances & i might unintentionally say weird things. (sometimes i also like to say weird things intentionally—for fun, or to make sure you can never tell the difference ;)

  • as seen above, i like to use emojis as closing brackets when an occasion pressents itself. so you won’t see “(this :))” in my posts, for example, instead i’d write “(this :)”.

  • as much as i am a stickler for The Little Things, like tiny typos & punctuation, sometimes i forget or ignore them easily. (also sometimes i simply don’t know things, like when & when not to put a comma somewhere.) but since these posts are editable, i’ll try to right any wrongs, punctuational or otherwise, if i catch them in time. (i might absolutely not catch them in time, though!)

  • i prefer to write everything in lower-case letters. a coworker once insinuated that it’s because of laziness & he’s probably not completely wrong. however, both our native language is german & we live in a german-speaking country (no, it’s not germany), which means words starting with upper case letters are much more common than in english. so the laziness-argument, in my opinion, is more valid when it comes to german. my main excuse for preferring all-lower-case in english is that i don’t like the capitalised “i”. i’m not that important, i don’t really get why it should be “I” instead of “i”. “i” is a much cuter letter & also less confusable with a lower-case-L. (yes, i know, a stand-alone-“I” would never be read as a lower-case-L, but my point still stands, because principles!) i also don’t get why sentences need to start with upper-case letters. there’s already the full stops that show you where the sentence ends/begins! or the exclamation points & question marks & interrobangs (interrobangs are great!). anyway, the point is, i probably won’t make the effort to write conventionally most of the time, as far as big & smol letters are concerned. (i know it’s “small”, but “smol” is the much cuter word, so i’ll almost always be using that instead of “small”.)

  • sometimes i use all caps for emphasis instead of/additional to other formatting. sometimes i use capitalisation of the first letter of a series of words for emphasis as well. (Like This, You Know.) i don’t consider either of these an inconsistency with the above point, because i make the rules & i deem it consistent with them! ;)

  • i like tangents. (see two points ago.) i love brackets. (see above, & also two sentences ago. also, below!)

okay, with that all behind us on the way, let’s finally get to the point of this post: mostly unorganised & all-over-the-place thoughts about my first almost-fully-four weeks on beeminder so far—& a much longer preview of what’s to come, eventually, hopefully!

BRIEF BREAKDOWN OF CURRENT & PAST GOALS

  • beecture – enbee – beeminder is my only archived goal so far, for creating a beeminder profile picture of me, an enby bee (enbee for short). it’s archived because it was successfully completed! horray!

  • flosses – enbee – beeminder is my flossing goal, currently set to a rate of four times a week. the pledge cap is set at $10.

  • onefoot – enbee – beeminder is my daily steps goal, connected to my only recently acquired & first ever smart watch. it’s currently set to 5 000 steps a day, without any auto-ratcheting, because i don’t yet have any beeminder subscription, let alone the $12 to $16 one (price depends on subscription length, which is neat, although i am sad that i joined a good while after lifelong subscriptions were retired :P). the pledge cap set at $5.

  • whew – enbee – beeminder is my “intensity minutes” goal, also connected to my garmin smart watch. “intensity minutes” is their metric for measuring sports & sport-related activities, i think. it’s set to 5 minutes a day, currently, which is a bit of a silly number for my circumstances, because my garmin watch is old enough that it can only track ten or more consecutive intensity minutes. (but i guess i could aim for ten minutes every other day & still be fine.) the pledge cap set at $5 as well.

PLEDGE CAP THOUGHTS

  • i have so far started all my goals at $0 instead of $5 for the first derail, because a) i’m still getting used to how beeminder works, b) i won’t turn down a chance to slack off once for free :P & also c) a reason i can’t really articulate well, but which i guess comes down to “all goals i have so far are not hyper-important to me &/or i feel like missing the mark the first time shouldn’t cost me any money, because that might only demotivate me”. on the other hand, they’re all very low-commitment anyway. (almost all so low that it’s almost zero-effort to successfully stay in the green all the time. which definitely needs tweaking in the future, no doubt.) for my yet-to-be-set-up-uni-goal/s, for example, i might start at $5 right away, so that i can have less excuses for not doing the thing when i’m supposed to be doing it. (i might also not start at $5 for various reasons. we’ll see!)

  • for the same reasons, my max pledge caps are pretty low so far.

  • in my mind, the maximum pledge cap i’d set for any goal currently is $90. that’s more than i pay for one therapy session, so it’s a ridiculous amount of money in comparison. it wouldn’t ruin me financially, but the thought of loosing so much would hopefully hurt enough that i would just rather Do The Thing at whatever cost XD if it ever comes to that. we’ll see!

  • i guess i mentally put all my current & potantial future goals into one of two categories: temporary goals & potentially-lifelong goals. /steps & /whew & /flosses (all low pledge caps) are the latter category. uni-work-goals would be the former: while they would potentially be months-long or even years-long in the running, i wouldn’t keep them forever. i’d graduate eventually, hopefully. :P (or worst case, i guess i’d make peace with not graduating XD) so the goal would be archived. so a higher pledge cap makes sense, because even if i derail on them A Lot, i wouldn’t be stuck with that high pledge cap for years or decades, like i would be in the case of /steps or the others.

THINGS I’M PRETTY SURE I ALREADY LEARNED

  • it probably very much depends on the type of goal, but having a goal be green is insanely motivating for me. there’s a few caveats, listed below, but first, case & point: i’ve set /flosses up originally with a rate of three per week. (i aspire to floss no more than once a day, after brushing my teeth at night, so the commitment would never ever exceed once per day / seven per week.) so three per week seemed like a good starting point, especially since i’d already cultivated a more-or-less-regular flossing habit thanks to habitica.
    i am incredibly surprised by what it taught me: that having a goal in any other colour than green stresses me the frog out! i’m honestly surprised it took me this long to realise it—looking at other people’s dashboards even before i made my account, seeing other people’s huge lists of goals, seeing so many goals they have in red & orange stressed me the frog out even on their behalf! i don’t know if it’s the colours. or the thought of loosing money. or something else entirely. probably it’s more the colours (especially with regards to other people), what they represent & a still-reflexive “derailing looks like failing”-attitude that i have. (i am trying to properly embrace "derailing is not failing, since there’s a lot of good arguments for that & i know that objectively it’s the better & more useful position to take, but my knee-jerk reaction is still “red/orange bad”. it’ll take time!) or maybe it’s the amount! seeing five or more red &/or orange goals on someone’s dashboard makes me go :flushed: immediately. i guess as far as my own goals are concerned, the prospect of loosing money is a big part of it, too, although there’s also a potential caveat with that: once i derail once (& actually loose money on it), i might realise that it’s Not That Bad (especially for goals with a $5 or $10 pledge cap) & i might slippery down an uncaring slope?
    anyways, i guess maybe some part of it was that, when i set my flossing goal up initially, it wasn’t green, because i didn’t flatten it in the beginning. so there was the pressure to do something that day to not derail. good. that motivated me. so i got it to green pretty quickly. amazing. ever since then (& i know it’s probably not a fully relevant thought yet, because it hasn’t been That Long, but this whole thing is a constant work in progress anyway!) i’ve kept it green constantly, with the exception of one blue data point that came about because of manual ratcheting that i unintentionally set too tightly, because i don’t know numbers.
    so far, i’ve exceeded my goal by a lot, regularly. it’s set to four a week now. having the goal at seven flosses per week was never my intention. it might end up coming to that though, in a few months, maybe. very likely it’ll come at least to five or six per week. how wild to think about!
    semi-related story time: i experienced something once which i never thought i’d experience: i finished brushing my teeth at night. i was tired. it was late. i didn’t feel like flossing. i knew i didn’t “have to,” i was well in the green. i stepped out of the bathroom without flossing. then, for a completely inexplicable reason that still baffles me to this day, i turned back around! i went back into the bathroom. i flossed my teeth. i completed the goal. i got to enter the data point. this is like—i don’t even know how to describe it. i guess this is where i want to end up on, with all my goals, in the long term. even though probably beeminder shouldn’t get all the credit for this. (or maybe it should. i really don’t know. i really can’t explain what went through my mind in those moments, if anything. i just know that i surprised myself very much! it was as if i was moving on autopilot, somehow. but not in a depressed-zombie kind of way, it definitely felt differently in a good way, i think. but also very foreign. maybe it was the fact that i didn’t want to go to sleep yet? or the novelty of beeminder? idk‽!)
    the plan for /flosses, for now, is to keep it at four a week, ratched it a bit here & there when i get a ridiculuos number of safe days stacked up. maybe dial it up to five a week in a few weeks, if i feel up for it. if the data continues to look so excellent.

    • now, the other promised caveats to this “green means go! go! go faster! go harder! do the thing again to keep it green! :D” mindset being universally applicable for me:
      • i barely have any goals yet. /flosses is basically the only goal that i have so far actively & regularly focused on, apart from /beecture, which doesn’t count anymore, since it’s finished. things would probably be very different if i had 10 active beeminder goals.

      • flossing is something i’ve been doing irregularly, on/off-ish, for a long while now. it’s not a completely new habit. it’s not a habit that, like my uni work things, i am notorious at procrastinating most of the time. it’s not an activity that has made me miserable most, if not all, of the time i do it / don’t do it but know i should be doing it. it’s not as pressing as some of those Other, Yet To Be Created, Goals. luckily, i have great teeth. (thanks, dad!) i have made it over a quarter of a century basically without flossing at all & without any major dentist-emergencies—just saying this to illustrate that flossing, for me, while important to cultivate as a habit, is not as urgent to me as other things—not saying this just to brag. (only saying this to brag a little bit ;P)

      • flossing doesn’t take ages. it’s simple enough. while there have still been days where i skipped it, that’s completely fine. other goals i need / would like to create wouldn’t be so easily completed in not even a handful of minutes. others yet would be something that i wouldn’t want to think so casual about & would prefer to really do Absolutely Every Day.

  • the gratitude journaling together forum thread is one of the best & most wholesome places here! last year, my gratitude-process had been to try to think of three gratitudes before going to sleep at night & to write one of them down, optionally, on a little piece of paper so that i could collect them & look back at them if i wanted. i did pretty well with that overall, even if there were days that i skipped for one reason or the other. (the thinking part, i mean. i absolutely skipped the optional writing part A Lot of days, i think overall i wrote down about a hundred gratitudes, out of a full year of days?) since mid-january-ish the thoughts-&-paper-gratitudes have been completely replaced by the daily-forum-gratitudes. i adore them, both reading others’ & adding my own tangents! a bit of analysis about that transition for anyone who’s interested:

    • it’s (sadly) easier for me to write these things (any things, really) down online than on paper. while i always tried to keep pens & papers close by the couch (where i usually was when i wrote my paper-gratitudes), it still felt like more effort than the forum-journal does now. i’m not really sure, why. maybe because i’ve become so much more accustomed to the internet & to my laptop that typing comes more natural to me. maybe it’s the accountability aspect. probably it’s also the community aspect. probably it’s also the fact that i enjoy talking about & sharing things about my life, so it’s much more fun to put these out into the world rather then just keep them in my head / on a little piece of paper that nobody ever gets to see. it’s a little weird, though, because it’s definitely more work now, overall, even if only by a bit, some days. but it does absolutely take more time. (not only because i love to write such long posts so often :P also because even though i type decently fast, typing still takes longer than thinking) but i’m not complaining, i’m just happy i’m along for the ride! :D
  • i love/d writing this post, sharing my thoughts about my “progress” & about my goals. i hope i’ll continue to do this (ir)regular-ish! (not gonna beemind or plan to beemind it, though, for the forseeable future, for various reasons.)

  • there’s a character limit for forum posts! :D it’s 32 000 characters.

THINGS I’M STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT

  • how to perfect my /onefoot goal. (btw, for those wondering: the name is based on my walking-playlist “one foot after the other”.) i believe 5 000 steps as a starting point is great. i do aspire to get it up to 10 000 steps a day eventually, slowly dialling it up by 500 or 1 000 steps at a time. (my daily garmin steps goal changes every day based on how well i do the previous day/s, but i explicitly don’t want to autodial /onefoot, at least not at the moment!) i definitely dislike that i have zero pressure currently to reach 5 000 steps each day, because i’ve accumulated much buffer. i guess i could manual-ratched me to zero safety buffer each morning to keep me accountable. i’m not sure if the new metaminding feature could be a better (more automated :P) solution, too, maybe? it absolutely wouldn’t make sense to send +1 to a hypothetical meta goal every time there is any new datapoint in /onefoot, because i’ll always do at least a few hundred steps every day. but if there were a way to have a metagoal that only +1’s whenever i do at least 5 000 (or any number i choose) steps a day, now that would be great! (i don’t know if there is a way. i had assumed no, because that would basically be a free circumvention of autoratcheting, but then i reread a few posts & maybe there might be a way? i’m not tech-versed & awake enough currently to be sure / do more research.) also, this wouldn’t be a perfect solution either, because it would take up one additional of my Few & Precious Goal Spaces XD (i don’t know exactly how many free goals i have, i think five? i know i’d gotten two additional free ones recently because of some things i’d pointed out about help pages & stuff.)

  • how to set my garmin intensity minutes / heartrate threashhold so that they make perfect sense. if you look at /whew, you’ll see that i was doing pretty great in the beginning, very much to my surprise. i believe all those minutes were from walking fast & carrying a lot of boxes to the post office while walking quicker than usual.
    but then, one saturday, i was about to be close to derailing & thus stressed out enough that i grabbed our new loudspeaker, put on my “beats to get frogging hyped to” playlist & awkwardly jumped around in my room, for at least 15 to 20 minutes. so absolutely something i would have assumed & expected to count towards my intensity minutes, which only counts 10+ consecutive minutes of activity. (i was sweating, it was exhausting. sports!) & i definitely did more than ten minutes, so that i could be absolutely sure it would count. thing is, it didn’t count. i kept checking my watch. no additional intensity minutes added. medium annoyance.
    a few hours later i met with friends & we went to a pottery painting “workshop”. (it was like a bit of explanation about the colours & gadgets they had & then we could paint.) i got a coffee. (important backstory info: i barely drink any caffeine.) the painting process was somewhat stressful, because we only had like one & a half hour to actually Do The Thing after the explanation was over & also i decided to draw a Whole Bird from scratch (frantically looking at a reference picture, of course) & i don’t really draw often / at all / well, in my opinion. (it turned out decent, though; already picked it up & am sufficiently happy with it! :) somewhen during that time my watch poked me (vibrated) & asked if i was stressed, if i wanted to take a moment to take a deep breath. XD i guess my heart rate was elevated a lot, probably from the coffee, drinking it maybe too quickly & the mildly stressful atmosphere.
    anyway, later at night i checked my stats in more detail & i absolutely did rack up intensity minutes that day. only, it wasn’t during the time when i actually “did sports” (dancing around awkwardly in my room). it was during a time when i was mostly stationary in a chair, with a bit of walking around to refill my colours & grab pencils & brushes. plus the coffee. i guess if i just become a coffee or tea person, i could very easily cheat on my goal?? (i will not do that for various reasons.)
    i have since, a day or two-ish ago, played around with my garmin settings a little. turns out i had let the watch auto-calculate my intensity-minutes / intensity-minutes threshhold. i changed the settings & now intensity minutes start being calculated from onwards “heart rate zone 1”. my heart rate zone 1 starts at about 116 bpm, or 50%+ calculated from my max ever measured pulse. i suspect that a big reason for the huge flat line in my /whew goal had been this auto-calculation of intensity minutes. no idea how they had been calculated automatically. not in any sort of useful or motivating manner, for me, that’s for sure—so i hope that’s changed now!
    the takeaway from this story is never to blindly trust autodata goals & devices. :P

  • what & how to beemind next. these include the following list, in alphabetical order, stolen & expanded from the reply to my “beeminder account confirmation” email that i wrote almost a full month ago:

    • cleaning my room & keeping it clean after that, hopefully: my room is A Very Big Hot Mess. i do usually vaccum it once a week, like the rest of the flat, but there’s so much stuff on the floor that the vaccuuming’s not nearly as efficient & useful as it could/should be. also, there’s too much stuff on the floor. there’s too much stuff everywhere. my desk is unusable. (which is fine as far as the desk goes, because i don’t ever use it. it’s Not So Fine as far as the stuff on the desk goes, because it becomes increasingly more difficult to find the things i need, &/or to remember what even is on that pile XD) i have thought about probably creating a daily goal for cleaning it, with a commitment of around one to five minutes a day. i have additionally toyed with the thought of creating a forum thread for it, maybe even with pictures to illustrate the problems &/or share my successes. i think i am already 100% sold on the accountability-through-regular-public-posts-idea. i’m not yet 100% sold on the also-post-pictures-idea, but i’ll have enough time to formulate a decision until i actually create the goal.

    • creative things: i would not have thought about this, hadn’t i written it in the email a month ago, lol. the idea is to try & do one little creative thing per month at least. (a bit of writing, one quick drawing, etc.) i created a second (or, third, technically) instagram account a few months ago (undefinedbirb), where i post/ed quick drawings of undeb, an undefined birb. i enjoy that. it’s fun. having creative outlets for things is good for me, i think. (i haven’t actually looked at instagram for weeks, possibly a whole month or two. but that’s a whole other story/problem that doesn’t really fit the scope or theme of this already-almost-novella-long-post XD)

    • fruits & veggies: i would not aspire to start with seven per day, even though @alys’ tips (can’t remember where i found them) about not caring about the magnitude of processing & about which kinds of fruit/vegetables to eat were very helpful & encouraging to read. i would probably start with one per day & then slowly ramp it up to get to seven eventually. this would be a perfect candidate for an additional metaminding goal, actually! having the main goal at one per day, where i could accumulate buffer if, like the day of writing these lines, i manage to eat four (or any other number bigger than one) portions a day & then having the metaminding goal which gives +1 for any datapoint, at a rate of exactly one per day, which would mean i couldn’t accumulate any buffer … i guess that would mean i would have to add all portions up during the day & then enter the final number only once per day, but that doesn’t seem like too much of a hassle.

    • gmail-zero-unread-emails: i adore that this exists as an automated option, but i dislike that it’s only possible with a subscription. :P it’s a blessing in disguise as well, though, because it allows me to procrastinate on creating this goal :P (there’s a lot of other reasons why i haven’t created this one yet, also: it’s not the most urgent/important among the list & i don’t want to overwhelm my dashboard with Too Many Goals All At Once; i did that on habitica, i know from experience that it’s detrimental.) my goal wouldn’t be inbox-zero-total-emails, because i am doing well with deleting all useless ones anyway, my goal would simply be having less (& eventually no) emails marked as unread. i have anywhere between 9 & 15 unreads these days, the oldest one from 2019. so, yeah, gotta force myself to deal with all those things somehow :P

    • learning japanese: this is completely a hobby. no tests or uni requirements or any other external pressure. i enjoy language learning. i like japanese. i am having a hard time doing this currently, because my level is So Very Low still & i don’t have any “reason” to do it, besides “i want to be good at it”—which i know will take A Very Much Lot of work & time & patience. also, i haven’t been doing any japanese at all this year & for the last few weeks of 2023, so it’s even more difficult to get back out of my lazy slump & into doing even a little bit regularly. anyway, my thoughts on possible goals for this:

      • make an autodata duolingo goal, because at the end of last year i got myself another yearly duolingo subscription, even though duolingo isn’t All That Great, i think. but i already spent the money & once i get out of my Lazy Slump Of Nothingness i should probably start using it again, with or without beeminding it, because otherwise that’s even more wasted money. :P
      • make a handwriting goal. i have been historically horrible with this. i have one notebook that i dedicated to be my “japanese notebook” a year-ish or so ago. there’s maybe 3 pages filled? nothing added in the last half year or even longer. i very much still remember that handwriting was very fun for me. i enjoy memorising & practicing kanji that way. i should also still perfect my kana writing. i know i will love doing this. i simply don’t do it. typical akrasia problems i guess?
    • reading: i don’t really do it anymore. when i do it, i enjoy it. my flatmate gifted me three books last year, of which i have so far started zero. i have a lot of other books & readable things (webtoons, magazines) i would want to read. not the most urgent of potential tasks, but definitely something to keep in mind for possible future goals!

    • regular data backups: i have my laptop, i have my phone, i have one external hard drive where i archive things about once every one to three months. a bit more regularity wouldn’t hurt! (insert quip about the threat of loosing money vs. the threat of loosing data XD)

    • uni work: so i didn’t attend any courses during winter semester. i’ll have to attend (& finish) at least one course in the coming summer semester, probably. that’s i guess my official excuse for not having created this goal yet. (my “uni work” daily has historically been my continuously red habitica daily.) but if i want to get crazy, efficient, &/or crazy efficient with it, it would become more than one goal anyway:

      • one goal for the summer-semester-uni-course, or maybe two or even three goals: one for my presentation, one for my paper, one for continuously keeping up with coursework.
      • one goal (or a trillion :P) for my master’s thesis. i have an idea for a topic & a year or two ago i read some books which i could use in my analysis, but i haven’t copied any quotes from them yet, haven’t narrowed down the topic, haven’t done any research into secondary literature … so almost all thinking & planning & doing is still to be done!
    • uni application: there’s a one-year-course in a different university that i want to apply for next year. it would start in september & iirc applications would be due in july/august. i have looked at what i need to present. i have to create the things in time & then go there & have the interview. while that’s a stressful thought as well, the “creating things in time” bit will be the biggest hurdle i’ll have to overcome, successfully, in time, without loosing track of it (time, that is!).

  • how to make sure i won’t burn out from having too many / too ambitious / too many too ambitious goals &/or how to deal with my goals if i suddenly feel depressed/overwhelmed again like i did last summer.

MISC THOUGHTS THAT DIDN’T FIT ANYWHERE ELSE (after i abandoned the idea of trying to include them in footnotes XD)

  • i am actually having a hard time reconciling the need to be “productive” & the profound absurdity of the need to be productive. this is a whole other essay topic i’m neither qualified nor awake enough to write, but basically: i Very Very Much dislike the notion of “needing to be a productive member (of society) to have any value (for society / for oneself)”. such capitalist ideas. on the other hand, some things i want to beemind, like learning japanese, are absolutely things that don’t fall into that category, since i would only do them for myself / for fun. on the other hand, i still feel like i am “failing” somehow/someone (myself, i guess) by not keeping up with japanese as much as i would like—which is absurd. i don’t really have a well-though-out point here, or even one that makes sense, i think, i guess i just wanted to rant for a minute about the word “productive”, which i don’t like & this whole mindset of “i need to achieve x in order to be / become / be seen as / feel y”, which i hate even more!
  • i’m very scared of overloading my goal board &/or my goal difficulties & of getting burnt out by having Too Many Things on my plate (as one does). this is among the reasons i’ve been doing so well on my very few goals so far: i’ve picked easy/low-stakes ones &/or set the difficulties really low.
  • i orginally openly sweared in this post, until i substituted f*ck with frog. frogs are gay culture. i might forget to be this funny somewhere &/or sometime else & start openly swearing again (as i often & happily do irl XD).
  • i will almost certainly eventually get a beeminder subscription. i don’t yet know which one. i don’t yet know when. i absolutely plan to exhaust my free-goals-limit before even thinking about getting a subscription! mostly because i am Really Very Scared of “goal overload” & subsequent burnout. what’s to stop me from creating all goals mentioned above at once? *insert evil villain laugh* i guess i am absolutely smart enough to stop myself from doing that, but, on the other hand, there’s this nagging feeling that i don’t want to commit to regularly paying for beeminder yet when i don’t absolutely need it. when i decide that i Cannot live any longer without my inbox-whittle-down-goal, i will start to subscribe. when i have No More free goals, i will start to subscribe. until then, i refuse to do so :P

EPILOGUE :P

that’s it for now! thank you for reading over 5 432 words! if you made it this far, you deserve a treat! or more than a dozen! so have some random pictures of one of my favourite animals: the mara! (i always describe it as a visual mix of kangaroo & rabbit, but see & judge for yourself:)

5 Likes

I start all mine at $0. I like the feeling of security it gives me from having one free derailment, just in case I didn’t set up the goal as best I could have. It also helps ease me into a new habit because it’s initially not as high-pressure.

That sounds like this blog post: 1000 Days of Fruits and Vegetables | Beeminder Blog
Starting with one per day and slowly increasing is exactly the sort of thing I had in mind when I wrote that. Anything easy that helps you eat more veggies is good!

Excellent collection of mara photos. : )

3 Likes

Thanks so much for the journal entry! I liked hearing your thoughts, comparing where we are the same or different, and just hearing about all the different things in all the different areas.

I also like the word “smol” — although, because of subculture reasons, it tends to have a particular connotation for me, rather than being an exact synonym of “small”. Still cute, though!

And thanks for the mara pictures! I realized I probably hadn’t seen pictures of mara for several years… time flies.

2 Likes

I relate to this :smiling_face_with_tear:

How To Not Be Afraid Of Large Pledge Caps Anymore

I’ve decided to not hide it so it’s not hidden. So there’s nothing to see here. Hello :slightly_smiling_face:

If you messed up and created too much goals and end up with days where there is just too much stuff to really get things done, you can always contact the support and cancel the derailment.

It took me a few months to understand it, but the goal of beeminder is to nudge us into doing something instead of punishing us for not doing it.

I was sick a few days ago and I was overwhelmed with goals, so I picked what I could realistically do and done them. Some of the goals, I could’ve done even when being sick so i didn’t call derailment. But for the others, (e.g. doing a 5km run - i don’t really have a goal like this but it serves illustration purposes pretty well), then I felt OK asking for a cancellation. Never in any world of the multiverse I did a marathon this sick day.

So pledge caps look scary, but in reality, they shouldn’t!
You will probably never pay the 90$ fine because for you, doing the thing is worth it.

Sorry for the tangent but I hope that it helps you avoid my error of being scared of beeminder at some point (I think @grayson has some stories about this too if I recall correctly)

LOL! You should ask to remove the limitation. But you might be personally asked to contribute to the hosting fees at some point… but I’ll help because I like your posts

1 Like

As @clouedoc mentioned, it’s been a long hard road (still being traveled!) for me to move away from the “derailing is failing” mindset. So long and hard that I’ve been absent from Beeminder for months to years at a time — archiving everything in a fit of “aaaaaah this is stressing me out instead of helping me get things done.” I’ve always come back, though, because I know deeply and intensely that the underlying principle is powerful and if I can figure out how to use it correctly, not only will it make me more productive — it will also fundamentally change my relationship with myself.

Others have described the pledge you pay on derailing as the value of NOT doing that thing on this day: the worthwhile price of choosing self-care when things blow up and there’s too much to do. I am still learning how to harness that viewpoint. I am seeing the life-changing — this really is not hyperbole — power of a system that gently confronts me with the terrible narratives I tell me about myself. In particular, I have a narrative that I’m easily overwhelmed and can’t have too much on my plate. Beeminder gives me a structure for seeing that, weighing it, and figuring out how to gradually dismantle it. Being able to say, it’s worth $10 or $30 to me to not have to do X today, because I feel overwhelmed, and that’s okay because I have a bad story about myself and I’m working to change it and choosing to derail is a clear statement that I have compassion for me and it’s okay to be right where I am now. Beeminder goals I never derailed on would be Beeminder goals that reinforced my negative narratives.

Framed this way, it can even be something to celebrate that my pledge has risen to (say) $90 — it means I’ve made the compassionate choice three times, and the higher the pledge, the more I value being compassionate to myself.

This is where I’m headed — feels a little scary, but all the worthwhile things do.

3 Likes

I’m in love with everything you’re saying here. The following isn’t ready for publication yet but since we’re buried in the depths of enbee’s journal here maybe I can run this by you:

2 Likes

Wonderful! I love going the step further to “derailing it is nailing it.” Yes. That’s what I’ve been trying to get at — not only is derailing not laming out, it’s part and parcel of being your best self. Never derailing is playing it safe, and while “safe” is a fine thing to be, it actually functions as an encumbrance if you know you’re not your best self and you’re working to become that.

I’ve already said this a few weeks back to Alys in a PM, but let me say it here too: anything I write in this forum, past present future, is fair game for quotation in a Beeminder post / email / whatever. You don’t need to ask permission. Anything I’d want to keep private is a thing I keep far, far away from the internet :).

3 Likes