I focus too much on meta outcomes rather than day-to-day feel good
In this journal, I will find out how to make my life consistently feel good
sleep
Must be right otherwise everything falls off
meds
Must be well dosed or I end up with sleepiness, apathy, or pain.
work
Must be strictly confined to certain days
going outside
Is an important factor
socializing
Is something that I like, in small quantities
business
Must be making progress instead of stagnating
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I did this to be happy
- take 3 breaks
- take medicine
- work on meaningful work
- made a bit of progress on an issue that was bugging my mind
- reached out to a few close friends
I did this to be unhappy
- didn’t invest enough time in physical well-being → replace procrastination with activities to improve well-being
- took medicine too early – couldn’t focus → establish guidelines for when to take medecine
- dwelled up on something negative in my life → go into flow instead
Here is a cool guide
| Description | Evaluation |
|---|---|
| self-esteem and optimism | I’m OK at optimism; not sure about self-esteem |
| agreeableness/empathy | not the best |
| conscientiousness (overcoming procrastination) | working on it |
| habit of gratitude | lost it, have to make it again |
| Find your purpose and live it | I’d like to solve a giant problem for humanity. I’m not doing it. |
| Find a more fulfilling job | Freelance job is getting more fulfilling. Small business could be more fulfilling. I feel like I need to tweak them to access their maximum potential, instead of leaving them. But I do have this strong tendency of wanting to fix stuff instead of throwing it away, because I’m afraid of leaving dropping out of commitments |
| Improve your relationship with your romantic partner , or find a different one | I know what to do, but I’m stuck for 1 month |
| Go outside and move your body | I could get better at it |
| Spend more time in flow | This should improve since I’m starting to dedicate days to projects instead of task-switching endlessly |
| Practice mindfulness regularly | I should consider implementing a meditation ritual, e.g. every two weeks, take a dissociative drug, and start thinking a lot |
| Avoid consumerism | I am slowly decluttering my life with a Beeminder goal, so maybe that’s working a bit in this regard. But I don’t know. I feel like I’m indeed consuming more than I would like (e.g. music, series, anime; even though I don’t do it often |
What should I try?
- re-do gratitude habit
- implement deep meditation every two weeks?
- go travel abroad again, to the dream places I want
- think about my feelings deeply
EDIT: turning off phone worked great
I’d like to have spent less time on computer at the end of the day (have done my chores or decided to not do them, to be able to enjoy leisure time)
Also, I have this idea to trace one’s day, like in programming… I might give it a shot, one day
3 Likes
I really like the idea of this website which says, among others, that the job of consciousness is mainly to treat the minds complaint.
I often find myself avoiding to do stuff; and I’ve also heard the sentence that says that procrastination is an emotion regulation problem.
For instance, I have a message that I received. I need to answer it, but I’m afraid to because of [insert random psychological issue that makes me not want to answer]. But waiting makes it worse.
Beeminder helps to some extent with my sms_zero goal, but it’s not treating the root of the problem: I’m not respecting my emotions well enough to follow up on them.
My job is to take this feeling; I want to answer, but I really don’t feel like it, and it puts weight on me all my day; and to make something meaningful out of it.
All of these feelings that I have, I must do something about it; or if ignore them, it must be after an introspection rather than “this is uncomfortable, let’s not think about it”
what detracted from my happiness today
- not having done beeminder stuff in advance
- not going outside the house
- not eating mozarella even though I want it
- not taking a shower
- not cleaning my room
- not making progress on tasks that I could reliably accomplish
- watching too much of a series
- trying to work while watching the series
- waking up late
what helped my happiness
- continuing work on an interesting issue
- reaching an arrangement with someone
- watching a series
- having a slow morning
- texting with a friend
what I should do next to be more happy
- do an inventory of all the uncomfortable feelings I have, why, and what I should do about it. Instead of ignoring them all
- make it a routine?
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new chemistry discoveries
I’m reading a book about psychopharmacology because I want to fix all my issues
I’m going to post my discoveries in this thread 
state targets
My biggest problems right now is sleepiness due to SNRI, ADHD which got unbearable since 3 years (but manageable with meds), and general apathy/lack of enjoyment out of life. Ah, and also, I have about +8 hours of jet lag 
So I get two ideal outcomes:
- life feels good, I’m in a good mood, and I don’t feel lonely. It’s okay if I’m not “smart” or work optimized, being happy is already pretty great
- work feels good and I am efficient at it
Neuroepinephrine and Dopamine Agonist balance
NE = controls the amount of presynaptic signal.
DA = control the removal of noise
So I get that if I get good ideas but fail to pursue them (feeling like opening a chat app or taking a break, easily being distracted), then I should prop up dopamine agonist.
On the other hand, if I’m motivated but cannot find novel ideas, this can be that NE is inadequate.
→ in general, the right amount of these two neurotransmitters should make me able to work
→ dopamine can be manipulated in two main ways:
- propping it up all over the day
- having a peak as a “reward” → might not be necessary and even counterproductive to induce it artificially
note for tomorrow
previous doses and result
0.25 armoda (sub)
0.25 moda (sub)
00:00 30mg DX
2p cortexine
==> heavy “afternoon” crash; easily distracted; hard to think out of the box and okay-ish at execution
==> tomorrow; 0.5 Armoda, 0.25 Moda RIGHT BEFORE STARTING WORK DAY to cause reinforcement, (did 30mg DX @6am), 5p CTX, ACZ morning, scheduled AH+DX+MG @3am, Melatonin,
Nothing revolutionary, but I’m moving stuff at the right place (ACZ causes histamine to rise, which causes wakefulness, so taking it when starting my day might both improve my sleep and my mood)
stuff I want to find / check in my closet for candidates
GABA partial agonists
Magnesium’s effect on sleep
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I stay up late at night
In part because of my phone.
I procrastinate; I don’t want to do what I’m supposed to
I turn the volume of my music higher to forget about my uneasiness. Why am I so reluctant to brush my teeth?
escaping uneasiness with screens
… Is good as long as I’m doing something productive. I don’t mind if I’m programming
The issue is when I’m just chatting around, watching videos, whatever, while I really have tasks I need to do but I don’t feel like doing.
Watching one YouTube video is not really because I feel like it; it’s more because it helps me to escape whatever other thing I should be doing instead (e.g. brushing my teeth, answering a message).
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uni-tasking
Dedicating the first 3 days of the week to work on a specific project helped a lot.
I hoped onto the call and had great work to talk about
Also, I left my partner handle the work on the business, so he could go deep without my interruptions, so the outcomes might be better on this side too.
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feeling flat
I’m often have this feeling of emotional flatness; nothing is pleasurable and I don’t have the drive to work.
I believe this is apathy, and is caused by not having enough dopamine stuff compared to other transmitters
I was good at the beginning of the day; then okay, and now, meh.
I would like to stay like I was at the beginning of the day for longer.
options to not feel flat
To have more DA easily, I get two options:
- Enhance duration of Armodafinil by eating it instead of taking it sublingually
- Take a second dose of Modafinil at the right time
Not enough: apathy
Too much: spends time in useless rabbit hole (feels super good but time is functionally wasted) – it also makes me write code that is too complex, and overestimate my capabilities.
emotional inbox zero
fear of calls
I have a problem with communication: I always get the sense that it’s going to go wrong when I talk with clients; even though it’s not the case if I worked well
To resolve this, I prefer to work well instead of removing the “fear of the call”
need to clean my room
And other stuff in my head
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being at peace with yourself
I remember meeting a girl; she had the best vibe ever.
I don’t recall well, but she was very relaxed, and being around her was calming. She looked happy and peaceful.
Once, I asked her why she was like this, and she told me: “I’m at peace with myself”.
I really feel like becoming like this now.
Being super honest with me and with others
Removing unnecessary load of my life
Instead of working towards super higher order goals; dedicate a good chunk of my days to feeling better.
Not ignoring my emotions.
I’ve been feeling like I’m only at the “driver seat” for a few months now; and my car has all the lights blinking: “please listen to me!!”
I feel like if I get past all the backlog in my head, I might feel better in the future.
For instance, today, I have fixed an issue for a customer that was haunting me for one month.
And now, I feel better.
Tasks left to do to full way better
- start sending invoices
- deploy M1 stuff
- buy train ticket
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Stuff I did to become more happy
- starting to send invoices: done!
- deploying M1 stuff: not done…
- buying train tickets: done!
Stuff I should do to become more happy
- send documentation to customer
- dedicate one hour to M1 stuff, just to know if it works
- prepare my luggage
- clean my room
- keep in touch with my friends
Good day
Today, it was an alright day. It went in a flash.
In the morning, I took my time to wake up.
Then, I got up, and spent all the day working on something that has been bothering me for a while (setting up a proper billing software for my company)
I think it’s really down to having the right proportion of neurotransmitters in the brain.
Having the “right chemistry” is the first step.
Then, I can apply all the common sense advice (seek purpose, seek belonging, emotional inbox zero, etc etc).
Good chemistry + good meta stuff = happy!
Right now, I’m “semi-good”. I did real improvements towards happiness. That’s why I feel good even though my day would appear terrible from an outside perspective.
0.5 Armodafinil (eaten, when waking up, then going back to sleep)
0.5 Modafinil (eaten, directly after waking up)
Open computer to check something real quick → early in the day, makes it easier to get going
Then just fix stuff until now 
Didn’t take Duloxetine at all because I feared feeling sleepy and depressed like the other days.
I feel like I don’t need as much Duloxetine when I take Modafinil.
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This journal worked
I think that I can say that I’m in a better place since I started this journal.
- I finally handled this issue that has been annoying one customer (I delegate it as much as I can to a friend)
- I started working on a projet I committed to do (it isn’t has hard as I predicated, and it’s even fun, so it’s a good weekend project for the next few weeks)
- Now, the first 3 days of the week are dedicated to my dayjob
- I added lots of automated alerts to wake me up if my nightjob is having problems
Overall, I communicate more on my availability, which makes everyone happier.
When I’m I choose to not work, the day is truly off, and I can enjoy life like I want.
Tricks that worked
So, here are the tricks I used successfully for now:
- isolating days for specific projects. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday = dayjob; Thursday, Friday = nightjob(s), Weekend = rest (or working through backlog)
- Communicating better on my time availability (“I will do this for you, but I need 1 week since I’m busy on other projects”)
- Delegating more tasks
- Working on improving systems, instead of responding to their failures (adding alerts; delegating sales to a self-serve panel, creating custom analytics for customers who ask me questions about their data every day)
- Tweaking meds. I’m now on Duloxetine 30mg/day + Modafinil. Days are good when I have this combo. That being said, Modafinil usage triggers Duloxetine-induced sleepiness, so I’m kind of “locked in” with Modafinil. This causes at least 1 day of super sleepiness per week because I need a tolerance break. I can live with that, considering that 50% of the population has periods . It’s also a good time for my body to rest.
Stuff that’s still causing me to be unhappy
- Beeminder goals making me sleep late. I’m still in the process of removing most of them. Then, I will start making them all green by default by working every day on my Beeminder goals. (or maybe, once a week, batched). I want to remove the clutter, then build something reliable again with everything that I’ve learned
- Complice. I don’t do anything on it now. I am looking to switch to a self-hosted system since I really don’t like this amount of personal data being on the cloud. I could do with a simple Obsidian vault.
- Working too much
- I want to introduce “pure enjoyment days” → no work, no chores, no obligations. Thursday, maybe?
- Taking real vacations. Computer only for emergencies; otherwise, exploring the world.
- Not keeping in touch enough with my friends and family
- Not traveling. Being is both “not making me happy” and “making me sad”, in the sense that I feel a need to really go out of my comfort zone.
Ideas to remove unhappiness
- Travel. Just pick a departure flight and stuff will be better
- Create a vacations policy. Start slow, with one week, with a friend. Then maybe, I can add more
- Take 1 hour to do all my beeminder goals
- Add beeminder goals for the “should-do” like contacting friends and family
- Plan one day a week of going out by myself (museum? parc?)
2 Likes
I’m happy, now 
I’ve met a long time friend, that I missed a lot
It made me very happy. I think I will meet them again soon.
Now, I’m on top of my Beeminder goals.
I’m even doing stuff a few days in advance!
I’m like, all green, boring!!!
Very good
At my dayjob, I’m also on top of things.
My todo-list is almost empty, and I’m way more efficient at handling accidents.
At my nightjob, stuff is better too.
We have an incident, but we know better how to handle them.
Stuff is not working 100% like it should, but I’m optimistic and not stressed out
What’s missing 
- traveling somewhere
- taking vacations
- texting with friends more often
- taking a full day off
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progress everyday
It’s like I have a backlog of todos that I ignored because becoming happy was not a goal.
Now, among others, I want to really fix my sleep
Start exercising
Stop procrastinating going to bed or waking up
Yeah, really, I need to fix sleep, and fix bedtime procrastination, and I’ll have a 50% happiness boost. Easy
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hard week
I’ve been solving emergencies all week.
It’s pleasurable in a sense, because it’s what I do best.
happiness backlog
sleep
I’m trying to use Sleeptown and commit to a sleep schedule.
It’s super hard because I don’t wake up on time
But, I’ve discovered that I can fall asleep even though I don’t feel like it. I just have to go inside my bed and close my eyes, and at some point, it’ll work.
meds
I’ve accidentally skipped a day of Duloxetine.
I felt way better. I was happy when I received happy news, and sad when I received sad news.
My default is super numb and cold headed. It’s great for work, but not for life.
I don’t want to be numb anymore.
I’m going to do 1 day on, 1 day off, for now.
It’ll be 50% of my days being “truly me”, and that’s already a good improvement . 1 day numb, 1 day me but painful.
I’ll figure out an alternative. I’ll probably be lots of sports, or another med. Anything but Duloxetine. I’m sure there are plenty of ways to deal with pain that doesn’t involve messing with my personality.
work
Stuff has been going great. I’ve fixed two emergencies, so I feel proud of me.
Now, I want to be back to building long term and doing calm work. I just wonder how I’ll do it, since it’s hard to get started without a lot of pressure
friends
I’m organizing a party, and I feel like I should do it more often. It makes me happy to being people together. This is a huge happiness boost too.
beeminding
I’m on track and sometimes doing stuff in advance. I’d like to lower all my pledges to $5 but it’s a bit hard with the current UI 
. I’m considering writing an n8n workflow.
TL;DR: actually making good progress towards my best life
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giant leap
Entering day 3 of Duloxetine withdrawal.
I cannot believe that I finally have the guts to do this.
I feel my personality slowly coming back.
Ah, and I’m also stopping Nicotine.
Everything cold turkey.
« Es muss sein »
It’s slightly hard, right now. The hard part last 6 weeks, and then, there is some stuff that stays for a few months.
What I’m worried is that pain will come back, and that I will have to manage it another way than a magic pill.
I’ll figure it out my own way, not the lazy doctors way who I met two years ago and prescribed me this “medication”. Just numbs away everything. I’m grateful that I caught it “early”.
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small steps
No surprises; today is harder.
Focusing is harder, I’m more sensible to interruptions, my emotions are more intense and precise. Pain is slowly coming back, but less intense than expected. I’m getting small brain brzzzzZAPwhathappened moments, which is expected. Even though focusing is harder, I feel more intelligent. I’m also slightly pessimistic even though I’m naturally extremely optimistic.
getting some isolation
I’m getting interrupted at home by my family which makes me unable to focus; but I’m dumber than ever so it’s harder to cope, so I’m that 
close to booking an hotel room 
. It’s the #1 thing that’s dragging my well-being down. My withdrawal symptoms won’t get better until a long time, so it’s better if I act now. Yes, I am becoming a parody of myself.
« Es muss sein »
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Updates
- I feel like I have reached a plateau of withdrawal
- pain is manageable. I’m glad I have a healthier lifestyle, which allows me to afford stopping the meds
- I have a shitty mood. It gets influenced by external stuff, while I was pretty unfazed most of the time. I feel good when numbers are high, and bad when numbers are low.
- I believe that this allows me to make better decisions, and I think that I’m learning faster too
- I believe that this allows me to make better decisions, and I think that I’m learning faster too
- To isolate myself, I started falling asleep at 8pm, and waking up super early.
It turns out that as long as I get the first 1-2 hours of the day right, I can work as much as I want. Interruptions are OK.
General direction
Simplifying further
I did a huge leap towards simplifying my life by quitting this med.
I feel like I should simplify further.
The final boss is stopping to maintain my business and/or quitting my dayjob.
What’s the point of being rich if I’m not happy?
But it’s hard. It’s so ingrained in myself, and I’m afraid of disappointing people who rely on me.
At least, I’m not taking new jobs anymore 
Respecting work-life balance better
I feel better when I work <10 hours per day. Sticking to this could be a good start. Taking breaks more often if I have to do a longer day
Seeing my friends more often
This is what I do since about 1-2 weeks?
And sending more texts?
I feel better about my relationships.
I’m actually going to increase the rate of my beeminder goal
Reducing online footprint
I have my IRL name plastered over tons of accounts, and my job makes it dangerous to attract too much attention.
I’m dealing with both shady people and powerful organizations, and an incident is bound to happen. I need to reduce the damages.
I’m slowly reducing my attack surface, to feel more secure online.
I want to have a few accounts with my name for “personal branding”, but I don’t want my name to be tied to my Beeminder account. There’s no need for it.
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missing out
A giant website has been blocked at $dayjob
And it’s literally the reason I’m employed there.
A giant website has been blocked at $nightjob.
Hm well, I’m kind of 
spiritually tied to it, so well, I have to fix it.
In other words: my skills are in huge huge need.
| Job | Status |
|---|---|
| $dayjob |  since 4 days |
| $nightjob | since 4 days |
What I do when I’m needed
- chemicals combos (Cortexin, Modafinil, whatever)
- computer on
- fix problems,
Problem is that I’ve been invited to go out by a friend, and it would’ve really been fun.
I wasn’t there but I’m sure I would’ve really liked it
I feel both like I did well to stay, and that I should’ve gone
I’ve got to accept: the decision was made by internal processes, and even if there are consequences, it’s probably the best decision.
I think that I could make the rational calculations right now, on a sheet of paper, but that’s rather ugly, so I won’t
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