🌸 Emily's self-care journal

Another thing that goes into self-care is avoiding things that are known to spoil my mood. Like “I won’t go to Poznan in winter because it’ll be cold and rainy there”.

(It’s not even as much about avoiding a specific thing that makes me feel bad, and more about “I want refused to go to Poznan because self-care”, which in itself would make me feel good.)


Another another thing I’ve just realized is that I almost never take an outside view on myself. (As in “inside view vs outside view”.)

For example, the inside view tells me that I don’t have many friends because I am doing things X Y Z wrong / just something is wrong with me / etc. the outside view tells me that it’s because I keep moving between countries all the time and naturally it makes it harder to have long-lasting relationships.

So another self-care thing could be “taking the outside view more often”.


weekly update

Long time no post.

I’ve been sleepy a lot in the past week, and work hasn’t been easy.

I like that I’ve noticed that and started adopting a more… left-wing approach? Smth like “I have neurodiversity / adhd / whatever, it’s also winter, work is going to be uneven”. As opposed to “everyone, including me, has to be competent and professional at all times”.

(It also helped that I went to a neurodiversity webinar at work recently.)

Another thing – “I know that it’s harder for me to do anything if I don’t make a daily todo list in the notebook”, so now I remember about it more often and make a daily todo list in the notebook.

Lowering my expectations from life a bit? “Might not have the best life, let’s just try to have an ok one.”

Not going to write here, but smth about parents

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weekly update

Still sleepy.

Still lowering / getting used to lower expectations from life. “Just live for a while and that’s enough”. Might change when it’s summer again; would be nice to switch between different sets of expectations depending on which is better for the situation.

Went to the dentist, got a wisdom tooth removed. Definitely just something that I had to do anyway (it had a cavity), but also definitely self-care.

Still no smoking and (almost) no drinking. It doesn’t feel like much, because I don’t remember the days of feeling sick after smoking / having headaches after cocktails, but objectively it’s probably one of the biggest things on the list so far – especially if you count long-term as well.

Trying to get back to getting up early, it’s much nicer to start the day at 8am than at 10am or 11am.

Healthier attitude to work. “I will go out in the middle of the workday because I want to see the sun.”

Feeling somewhat burned out with routines and tasks. Stopped studying chess tactics in Anki because I wasn’t enjoying them.

Also feeling sick of opening Reddit / news / Discord / YouTube all the time, which got much worse in the last few days. But… it will probably get better again later. I just forgot that things can get better on their own.


weekly update

The tired phase continues.

Reflection: am I being gentle/compassionate towards myself regarding being in a tired phase?

Not exactly. I say that it’s a “phase” but I still don’t fully believe it or feel like it will “definitely” end. So I feel disappointed with myself.

However, saying that it’s a phase is still kinder, even if I can’t fully believe it.

Reflection: is there anything else I can do?

  • Write about it: yes, already doing.
  • Eat more often (energy!): it would be good to order enough groceries that I don’t run out of food in case I don’t want to go out at all during a particularly low-energy day. So that’s an idea for [next salary].
  • Going out when it’s sunny: already doing sometimes.

Started reading another anxiety book and it seems to be working better than whatever I was reading before. It happened somewhat accidentally – I had an anxiety-related tab open and a month later I randomly decided to “handle” the tab and downloaded the book.

Also, made a private channel (a while ago) where I’m blogging about anxiety and my sister is reading it. A very low-effort social / “not being alone with it” thing.

More often buying sweets with the explicit goal of “treat for myself / mood improvement”.

Reflection/prompt: what else can I do for myself that doesn’t require money, energy, or stepping out of the comfort zone?

  • Not thinking about the future. I feel like it’s possible to do, and would reduce stress/anxiety.
  • I don’t know what else. I asked ChatGPT and it didn’t come up with anything I could use.
  • Googled “self-care reflection prompts” and remembered that a gratitude journal section like “what am I grateful to myself for?” could be good.

weekly update

The anxiety book is working and I’m happy about it.

Ordered groceries, have low-effort food now (gazpacho!!!).

Was sick yesterday, told work “I won’t be working today” even though I have no idea how to get an official sick day [because reasons].

Noticed that smells annoy me a lot. Made a note in my couchsurfing profile that “if you’re a heavy smoker, I won’t be able to host you”.

Shifting even more towards “finding a therapist would be good”. Googled for a bit now but no obvious candidates yet. Maybe English | Dialog Therapy Centre. Idk.


weekly update

Going to sleep better now that I’m hosting a couchsurfer. Eating better, too. Generally feeling better so far.

Recognizing things like “I feel anxious when people tell me thanks” and “given this, it’s normal to not want to tell people thanks because I’m afraid to also make them anxious” – this is good for my self-view. Much better than blaming myself.

Having better attitude towards work would remove a lot of stress. Not being anxious about “I’m not working as professionally as I’ve been hired to work”. Or “I’m not doing impactful things”. Etc. This all is in the anxiety domain.

Constantly checking my appearance, too. Having tiny flashes of anxiety whenever I talk to anyone.


Removed some todos that I wasn’t planning to do anyway and was using the todo app as a way of forcing myself.


weekly update

  • Recognized that I burned out, booked a 3-day vacation.
  • “I will go out today because self-care”
  • “I will order a pizza because self-care”
  • “I will take a headache pill because self-care”

Also continuing to explore “having anxiety”. Wrote a coming-out post on Facebook describing my anxiety. Wrote a tiny post in an internal chat room at work as well.